I wrote on my last post about our concerns regarding Patrick's social skills, stating that he seems to be overcoming his issues slowly but surely. Today, Patrick doesn't mind being around children, and by "doesn't mind" I mean exactly that: He won't play with them, but at least he is not bothered anymore that they are next to him. Until recently, I thought the lack of engagement was due to his developmental delays: 18 months ago, kids his age were running and climbing, when he couldn't even walk; today kids his age are singing and doing pretend play, when he can't even make a 3-word phrase. These seemed like legitimate, almost obvious reasons as to why Patrick won't engage kids, but now I'm not sure what to make of it.
Recently, a mother of a teenager with OMA came across my blog. She wrote me an email that got me thinking. Among other things, she wrote me this: "...The most heart breaking is her social skill. From 3 years old till now (15) she has great difficulty forming friendship. Whenever she attended birthday parties, she never participated in games or activities. She's most comfortable with kids much younger or adults. My daughter is much loved & protected by her family, cousins, friends of ours, but she has great difficulty in building friendship."
Patrick is social, but also he is not. I would say, he is very selective whom he is social with. The thing that got me thinking from that email, is the part where she says that her daughter is most comfortable with kids much younger or adults. This sounds like Patrick. Patrick's last IEP (the school Individualized Education Program) had an observation from his teacher stating: "Patrick will watch children who are playing nearby and he will play near them... Patrick mostly interacts with staff members." Do you see the different approach towards adults vs kids?
When my sister and nephew were visiting, she pointed out how funny it was that when we were out and about, Patrick loved to say hi and shake hands to elderly people. Now that I think about it, I have never seen him spontaneously shake hands, or even say hi to any child around his age (other than his brother). I observe Patrick at the playground, soft room, water park... and realize, he doesn't like playing with other kids. He isn't mean to them, he simply doesn't engage.
It takes a little while for Patrick to be comfortable to engage an adult, but once he is comfortable enough, he can be the most charming, playful and fun kid around. But then again, he won't get this way with children, no matter how much time he spends with them (he was with his peers 3 hours a day, five days a week, for 9 months!) The only lucky child to get Patrick's attention and play time is his 18 month old brother Robbie. This could confirm that it is all related to his developmental delay: Patrick is at or above his brother's developmental stage -Patrick can take the lead, and Robbie will follow him, whereas other kids are significantly advanced that are not taking considerations towards Patrick's developmental delays.
If this is true, then it means that as Patrick's grows, and matches the developmental skills of other kids, he should have no problem making friends. I could think of this as a phase, but the situation of the 15 year old teenager rises the question if there is something else going on there. She is not 3 years like Patrick anymore. 12 years later, that mother is still concerned about her daughter not being able to make friends. Mother to mother, she asks me for any advice, but sadly I have none, because up until her email, I didn't think Patrick could continue to not engage people his age as he grew older.
During this past school year, Patrick went from not wanting to play around kids, to being OK playing around kids, and I had hoped that in the upcoming school year Patrick would simply move from being OK playing around kids, to actually playing with kids. While this scenario may happen, right now I have no answers on how to help her daughter, so I'm asking any readers out there that have older children who have gone through this, to please let us know how have you/are you dealing with a situation like this one. From a mother to another, I can tell you that any advice, a word of encouragement, or simply sharing a common story so that she knows she is not alone in this, will be greatly appreciated. If you are a teenager or an adult with OMA who has challenges making friends, I'm sure this sweet 15 year old girl will love to hear your story.
